Lonely expat problem: Making friends is harder than it looks
Not every day is a good day. Loneliness is one of the biggest challenges expats face. Truth: It’s hard to make friends as an adult! Especially when you’re new to an area. From a different culture. In a different language. In fact, a survey conducted by Barclays International Banking concluded that 44% of expats in France say loneliness is the biggest hurdle to overcome.
What do I think about the lonely expat problem? Read on!
I don’t have any friends here. There. I said it.
It’s true. I don’t have a single friend aside from my husband and his parents in France. No, I didn’t just arrive last month. And no, I’m not a hermit. There are neighbors I make small talk with in the elevator and fellow dog owners that I talk to at Dagny’s dog school (and that cooking class, and the gym I joined… the list goes on) — and people find me humorous and outgoing. For small talk anyway. But there’s no one I could call up and vent to (French or otherwise) or invite out shopping or over for coffee.
If you haven’t figured it out, this is a very honest post.
I think it’s very easy to focus on creating that perfect expat facade, but the truth is, once that honeymoon period of a new place wears off, the reality not so gently becomes painfully obvious and real life issues tend to creep on in. Living away from your friends and family is hard sometimes. Plain and simple. Anyone who tells you otherwise is living a lie or hasn’t gotten out of that honeymoon period yet.
Do I feel like a lonely expat?
No. Well, not really. Not usually. But as someone who had a lot of friends back home, sometimes I reflect on life in France and miss that part of my old life. That’s not to say that I don’t love it here. I do, most of the time. But nowhere is perfect. And I take full responsibility for the good and the bad. It was my choice to come here.
Why do I have no friends, you ask? No, this lonely expat problem is not because I don’t speak French. I do speak French. Here are my excuses reasons. It’s a few things: 1) I work from home so I don’t have a job social life 2) I live in a small town in the suburbs that isn’t very young and that doesn’t have much going on (and is far from Paris, where it seems like a lot of expats live!) 3) I don’t find the French very open to making new friends. 4) I don’t try hard enough.
#4 is the real truth. I think it’s easy to get caught up in your day-to-day routine and to just go on with your life. Our lives are what we make of them. I’m a firm believer in that and tend not to wallow for long, so I think I need to try harder. A girl needs friends, right?
What’s life without real, in-the-flesh friends??
Normally I’d be up for the challenge like in other areas of my life and would have fun in my attempts to overcome these obstacles. But it’s not so easy. I’ll try, not succeed, and then get discouraged not wanting to try again. The lonely expat cycle repeats. But this shouldn’t be impossible, right? I live in France — not some semi-deserted island in the middle of nowhere…
To get my friend fix, I’ll call someone from home, look at Facebook pictures and get caught up on others’ lives via technology. You can’t help but yearn for what you’re missing back home, though. Lately, I think I’m longing for a real friend. Maybe someone with a dog so again I don’t have to force Tom to go on excursions he’d rather pass on. So what have I done? I’ve been pursuing work opportunities in France. Stay tuned for updates on that…
What’s my plan? I’m going to put myself out there and go for it. What’s the worst that can happen? 2013 is the year for me to make friends. And dammit, I’m going to DO THIS!
Can any expats out there relate? Are you a lonely expat?
Photo credit: khalid almasoud / Foter.com / CC BY-NC-SA
Photo credit: hey.pictrues / Foter.com / CC BY-NC-SA
Tags: France, living abroad, loneliness
Comments (52)
Riayn
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This is so very true and thanks for being so honest about it. It is really hard to meet people. Whilst I’m in Germany, not France, I’m having the same issue. I have expat friends, but no German friends. My German is at the immediate level but I can make conversation. Still I find it hard to make friends with the ‘natives’ and that is something I would very much like to do.
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Diane
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Hi Riayn, thanks for commenting. There are so many parts of expat life that I love, but making friends is so hard. I can’t say I’m glad you can relate, but at least I know I’m not alone. And if I ever find myself in Germany, let’s grab lunch!
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Jay
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This is a very relatable post and something I wrote about a few months ago.
I currently have 1 friend that I’ll meet with regularly and few others that I’m sure I’d be closer with if I made more of an effort. It is so much work to make friends and it gets so much harder the older we get.
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Diane
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Hi Jay, I think this is an issue that many expats don’t want to talk about or try to hide because on one hand, it’s great to have the opportunity to do something new in life, but at the same time, it’s very real and there are struggles (especially once the honeymoon period in the new land fades and real life takes hold). So thank you for sharing your experience. Heading to your blog now…
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Joy @ My Turkish Joys
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A very honest post! As an expat in Istanbul for almost 3 years, it’s hard to remember those initial lonely months. At first, I signed up for every social group, cooking class, book club, etc. Within a few months, I’d met friends I could connect with. Luckily, a few of them had like-minded husbands and later we did couple outings together. You really do have to put yourself out there. It’s not always easy, but u can do it.
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Diane
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Hi Joy, thanks for your encouragement. The sad truth is that I’ve been here a year and still haven’t made friends. I think it would be easier if I was in a bigger city and there was more going on, but I can’t make excuses for myself. It won’t be easy, but I have faith! Thx again!
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Sarahf
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I live in Japan, and the same is true here. I have some good friends, but it took a long time, plus the fact I’m single so don’t have a partner to talk to either. Hope someone fabulous comes along with a dog to at least give you one person to call a friend.
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Diane
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Thanks for commenting, Sarah. Japan must be quite the culture shock, but glad you found some people to call your friends. It’s not easy, is it?
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Lindsey
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Diane, I can totally relate! Reminds me of a Facebook post I wrote last week after meeting a woman from Iran…so I copied it below. Think you might find her “expat” story very interesting! The good news is we can always go home again to visit or live, unlike some other people. And PS – I wish you were in Paris so we could gab over wine!
>>>>
It’s not easy to give up friends & family to move to another country. While JK and I have had ups and downs over the last year+, we CHOSE to make a change, take a chance, and live abroad. It’s been an incredible journey and we are so lucky to have the freedom to make these kind of choices in our lives.
Today I met an Iranian woman who put things into perspective for me: She had no choice but to leave her country. She didn’t see France as a dream come true…she saw France as the only way to save her life. She will never be allowed return to her home country. Never…
Several years ago, she opened a business specifically to provide eye care and glasses to Iranians that follow a certain faith called Bahá’í. These people’s basic human and legal rights have been completely taken away from them.
When the Iranian government found out this woman was helping the Bahá’í, they 1) took away ALL of her money, 2) closed the doors to her business, and 3) kicked her out of the country. She can never return.
This happened two years ago. She came to France with her 15 yo daughter and nothing else. Today she’s an artist and sculptor (even with having only one arm–that’s a whole other story!) and is expected to have her very own art exhibition in Paris this year.
She remarkably holds no grudges against her country and has no regrets for helping the Bahai’s while she could.
It’s been a cold, grey winter in Paris and I terribly miss my family, friends, and the Colorado sunshine… But meeting Farahnaz today has given me a huge dose of inspiration and gratitude!
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Diane
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Wow, what a story! I think when you have no choice, you just make it work and this woman is really an inspiration. I count my blessings every day. Wish we could down some wine together too!!
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Gwan
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Hi, I saw your post via Twitter – can definitely relate. I’m lucky enough to have some good friends now, but it fluctuates owing to the nature of expat life with people coming and going, so I’ve had my fair share of loneliness too. One big thing for me is being single – a lot of French women I know seem to settle down pretty early, and a lot of the expats either move here for a partner or meet one and stay, so sometimes it feels like there are people I can go grab a coffee with, but on a Saturday night sometimes they’re all at home on the couch with their partners and I feel doubly lonely!
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Diane
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Hi Gwan, I know what you mean about French women settling down early. And women in general. And having BABIES. Ugh. It’s interesting to see how life plays out sometimes and gosh, right now, I would LOVE to go grab a coffee with you!
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Mathilde
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I like your post, and I can totally relate to it, as a French expat in the States. I also find it pretty hard to make friends. I’ve tried (and I’m still trying) in different places… from work (mine and my husband’s), yoga (that was really efficient, people are always “intrigue” by the “French girl”), other French expats, and I even posted an add at the French cultural center to meet American who were learning French!
After one year though, I can’t say that I have find real good close friends, but at least I know a lot of people…
Friendship is probably the thing I miss the most from my life in France, but I’ll try harder ;P
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Diane
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Hello! Americans LOVE accents and I feel are pretty welcoming in general. Maybe not in big cities with complete strangers, but through yoga or work, I find that Americans do give newcomers a chance. That said, it’s still not easy and there’s no magic formula. I commend you for trying and keeping at it. You’re in Boston, right? I will be your friend!
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Dena Barrie
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Oh you brought tears to my eyes. I am an Expat in Germany and am feeling so lonely. I have lived here for almost 2 years and have seen people come and go and I so long for a glass of wine and an open, honest chat with my friends from home. Thank you so much for making me realize that I am not alone!
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Diane
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Aw, I’m so sorry Dena. I know how it feels and sometimes Skype or a phone call just won’t do. All I can say is just take it one day at a time and keep trying. You’re def not alone!
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Arielle
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I went through the same thing living in Perth in Western Australia- it took me months to finally make real friends. After a while I concluded that it was just the region and that living in the city actually made it more difficult because the whole city was like a mass exodus as the work day ended. I even went to a bar by myself at happy hour which ended up being the worst experience ever (although I know it has worked for others). I actually finally made friends when I went to buy a local cell phone and spent about an hour going over my living/working/phone need situations and the guy who was helping me invited me out. I almost didn’t go because I was feeling lazy, but you’re right- laziness is a major hindrance so I didn’t let it take over. Thanks for sharing your story- I know a lot of people will appreciate being able to relate and I hope things take a turn for the better!
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Diane
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Thanks for sharing your experience, Arielle. I think it’s something we all go through and I feel better knowing that no one is really making friends right away. That’s great that something as normal as getting a cell phone actually turned to friends! I’ll keep my eyes open!
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Thuy Phelps
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Making new friends after a move is tough! When I lived in Germany for 4 years I joined the IWC (International Women’s Club), where we all met once a month or more with English speakers. Made some good friends that way. I’m a military wife, who has moved many times and will be possibly moving again this summer to San Diego. Once again, having to deal with making new friends in a new location. After all of my travels, I have friends all over the world. FB is a great way to keep in touch, along with phone calls, but its also important to be able to have a good girlfriend to have coffee or lunch with. It will always be something to work on. The friends I have now are the ones I met through waiting for my daughter at volleyball practices. She no longer plays, but I’ve still kept in touch with the ladies. I’m 43 yrs old and will still be working on finding good friends for the rest of my life.
~Thuy (Twee)
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Diane
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Hi Thuy, I totally agree that making friends is a lifelong journey — and if you move a lot, even more so. So glad you’ve made a bunch along the way!
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Camille
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I remember thinking about how I was going to be the best new friend maker in Santa Marta, Colombia when I arrived. But the reality is exactly as you described it, lonely. Here it´s difficult to find connections with people and they often seem too scared to speak to me in Spanish, even though it´s not that terrible. That said, I also haven´t tried hard enough and I really need to pick up my game too. Here´s hoping this year brings us and all the other commenters a new best friend. A friend can mean the world to a person.
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Diane
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I’ll drink to that! There’s strength in numbers, so if you’re trying in Colombia and I’m trying in France, maybe we’ll make it happen!
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Carolina
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I think making friends depends more on your personality than the fact that you are an expatriate.
…By the way, the next time you come to Nice, on the French Riviera … know that you have a friend here….enchanté!! : -)
Sure you have to expose yourself and realize activities that allow you to share one or two hours with unknown persons .
In France there is a very pleasant custom of offering an appetizer before lunch, whether it’s a weekend, or dinner during the working days.That’s a great way to bond with these people, you probably greet every day but can not find the way of becoming closer with them. Believe it or not the French are shy people, with exceptions of course.One way to get close to them is through the art of living…Invite them to your home for coffe or aperitif; Be simple and friendly with them.
Almost everyone I know, foreigners living in France, obtained his first friends making French language courses. Well.I am South American ( of Venezuela ) and is almost natural for us to make friends easily
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Diane
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Hi, thanks for the invitation! I’ll take you up on that
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Hanlie
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I can TOTALLY relate! I live in Bangkok, a city of 12 million – and I have never felt lonelier and more isolated than I do here…
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Diane
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Aww, I’m sorry to hear that. I hope 2013 brings good things your way and this loneliness lifts.
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Steve
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Although I hardly consider myself to be an expat, I am a long-term traveller and can relate to the difficult of making friends on the road. I lived in South Korea for a year and made a few friends, and some of them I still keep in touch with. I’ve found I’m a little more discerning with whom I spend time with because so many people just pass through my life. Maybe it’s one of those things where either change your definition of friendship or get used to how the current definition is treating you.
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Diane
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Hi Steve, it’s hard, isn’t it. Glad we’re all not alone
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Cosette
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Yes, I can relate. I’ve been in Melbourne, Australia almost a year. I’ve joined some Meetups and other social groups, but no luck. When you’re an adult and you don’t go to work or go to school, it’s just generally harder to meet people. And I acknowledge that I’m selective. I don’t necessarily want to be friends with everyone I meet and there’s a difference between an acquaintance and a friend. For me, it’s about quality not quantity. It does get lonely, but I rather be alone than surrounded by the wrong people. Hang in there, Diane.
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Kerry Dwyer
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I can relate to that. Cosette has a good point. I have a lot of acquaintances but few friends. I am very lucky that my parents live nearby so I have them. I have my husband and daughter. I work but don’t socialise with my colleagues as we mainly work from home and are very spread out geographically.
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Diane
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Yes, it’s especially difficult when the friends aren’t in the same region. Takes even more of an effort! Thank you for checking out my post!
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Diane
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Thanks Cosette, yea I don’t want to befriend the local drunk or crack addict, but a few quality people would get my vote over 10 acquaintances any day!
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Apres New York
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This is true for many expats – whether they’re in France or elsewhere. I consider myself lucky to have French and expat friends here, but I also work really hard at it (not that you don’t!). I’m constantly making plans to make relationships stronger (BFFs don’t happen overnight), going on blind friend dates, etc.
I was lucky that before I moved here, many people connected me with friends they thought I should meet. One thing I do is go to a coworking space so I’m not working in solitary confinement at home. I find that definitely helps and gives you a sense of “going to work”. If you’re in a suburb far from Paris… that must be hard though.
Keep trying (even though it can be hard during this dreary gray season), and perhaps set little goals each week, whether it’s making plans with an acquaintance (even though you didn’t initially love them – maybe you will once you get to know them better), joining an organization, etc. and hopefully, you’ll have a close set of friends before you know it.
Good luck!
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Diane
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That coworking space sounds awesome, but not sure anything like that exists where I am. ;-( I am definitely going to keep trying! Nothing bad can come from trying…
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bevchen
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I can relate to this! I’ve always found it difficult making friends, and living abroad (I’m in Germany) it’s even worse! I was lucky in that I fist came here for a year abroad and lived in a student residence – with more than 100 people in the same building, I had to find SOMEONE I could get along with!
After 6 years here, I now have quite a few people to socialise, but only 2 or 3 that I would consider real friends. I do get on with some of my colleagues, but I work in a different town to where I live so can’t really hang out with them much.
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Diane
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Hey, nothing wrong with 2 or 3 friends! That’s great!
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Mary
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It can be tough, for sure. It’s also harder when you’re a bit older and more settled. If I lived in a city centre apartment and was going out every night I imagine it would be easier to meet new friends than now, when I live in the middle of nowhere with my partner and small child.
For me sport, in particular rock climbing, has been a key way to make a lot of friends. By its nature you spend entire days at a time with people and you share an interest and goals so you have something to talk about and a mutual interest in meeting up and getting out together. Bonds develop over time. (Great post, btw.)
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Catherine
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Hi Diane, although I’m not an expat (yet), I can very much relate to the “coldness” of being in France for an extended period of time. However warm my husband’s friends and relatives, after over more than 10 years of being around them (for countless significant occasions), there is still a distance they keep. So I can only imagine the difficulty in creating a close friendship with a “stranger” … I think your plan to work outside the home is a good one and will help move things along much faster. Best of luck Diane, fingers crossed for you!!
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Kristin of Be My Travel Muse
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I remember feeling super lonely when I moved to Taiwan. Try meetup.com groups. They’re often split up into specific interests, which should help you find some groups of people your age out there. Hang in there!
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Diane
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Hi Kristin, thanks for the tip! I just tried meetup.com and had to expand the search to 100 miles of where I live and found ONE group. And it’s for computer programming. I’ll keep checking back. I live in the middle of nowhere. Thx for the encouragement
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Jeanette
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I can completely relate; I live in France, work from “home” and have few friends although, I don’t really feel the need to make new friends and haven’t found any French people that I really connect with anyway. I do find myself missing my friends and social life back home and while catching up via technology can pacify the loneliness, it’s definitely not a replacement for the real thing!
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Diane
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It’s not easy, so sorry you’re in the same boat!
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Jessica of HolaYessica
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I can definitely relate. I live in Barcelona, and the Catalans are notoriously ‘closed’ people who don’t like making friends with foreigners. Sometimes it’s really, really tough. And of course, it doesn’t happen right away. But being lonely can make everything else much more stressful, so it’s a bit of a vicious cycle – the more stressed you are, the less friendly you are, etc. etc.
I hope things have improved a bit since you posted this!
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Diane
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Hi Jessica, thanks for sharing your experience. You’re right about the cycle. When you’re unhappy about one thing, it tends to seep over into other areas of your life. Not cool at all!
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Elsa
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I’ve just found out about your blog and was curious to read it because I’m a french girl living in canada. It’s always interesting to see the experience from the other side. I live in Montreal, so I don’t have any language barrier but in a way I relate to that. They’re a lot of french (from france) living in Montreal, and it is so easy to just live in a sort of french community over there. Go out with french that are living the same experience etc etc and completely miss out the opportunity to live a unique expat experience.
So, I’m really careful who I go out with, and it took me month before creating a good relationship with friends(canadian mostly). It’s important to try to create opportunity in every situation. From the coffee place you go to the neighbors. I know it’s easy to say but it is true. And I truly relate to the frustration, hang in there
I completely understand the way you feel about french, and I wish there was a national tip I could give you but time is the only way. Try to spot the people that travel a lot, usually they are the more open minded one.
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Diane
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Thanks for your encouragement, Elsa. It’s definitely not easy, but your tips are good ones. I’m still trying…
And I have to get back to Montreal someday. I was there in the winter a few years ago and it was SO COLD that we barely saw anything other than the underground mall! Thanks for sharing your experience!
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fabrice
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Hi
I am french (south of France) And I am living for 8 years in Belgium. it is geographically close, same language, but same point it is hard to have real friend. It is easy to understand. My friend are mostly from my childhood and teenage time, because of school. in Belgium, people has already thier friends, and will not try to make some new one. That is life. However I met thousands of people and belonged to several clubs and bands (music). But no real, real friend, just friendly people.
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Diane
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Looks like we’re all kind of in the same situation, Fabrice. It’s weird. I think of Americans as friendly and easy to get to know in general (of course exceptions exist), but I wonder if expats in the US have trouble making friends. Part of me thinks it’s what you put into it, but I’ve tried so much and nothing. I’ll be your friend
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stella
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I’m french but I live in Belgium.
It’s te same for me. I am lonely. I don’t have a real friend. I know fex expats but they all are all so busy.
I don’t have a job so it is harder to meet new people.
I wonder how to make friends when you are an adult!
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Diane
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It’s definitely not easy… I feel your pain. I hope this changes for the better soon! Hang in there
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Bex
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Thanks for sharing this post. When I started as an expat in Greece, my first year in a provincial inland town, as the only foreigner, was very lonely.
Now I live in Athens, it’s much easier. You’re right: circimstances can make it harder. But social networking (for all its sins) helped me find an expat group when I moved to Athens, and through them I also met Greeks/locals.
A lot to be said for the internet.
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Diane
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Amen to the internet. The only people I am friendly with aside from small talk with neighbors are people online. Yay!
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